I was just sitting here in my bed, planning to write something meaningful or funny. Probably the latter. At any rate, I started getting sleepy...again. Just as I was falling asleep I realized I was sweating. Nothing like a good power surge to get you back up and at 'em! In fact, it not only woke me up, but also reminded me of what I wanted to say.
I couldn't write last night. The combination of extreme drowsiness and extreme pain were just too much to bear. See, what happened was...
...I went to a party on Saturday night. I typically go to exactly 0 parties each year, so this was a big deal. I'd almost talked myself out of going (too late, nothing to wear, too fat, nothing to wear, too hot, too fat, nothing to wear...) but my kids were dressed and ready so I tried each of three outfits: Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. I didn't think I liked Plan A (long black dress with 3/4 sleeves) but when I put it on with my stilettos, a.k.a. 1.5" rope wedges, I actually liked the way it looked. Everything was covered, including my arms and with gold accessories, it seemed appropriate for the occasion. We were all invited to a graduation/going to college party for my friend's son, who is also my son's friend, so not showing up would have been just wrong. We arrived about an hour and a half into a party that was planned to last at least six hours. Basically, we were in plenty of time.
My friend and her family were really happy to see us! The music and appetizer part of the evening was in full swing and she immediately pulled my daughter out on the dance floor. Not me. Just my daughter. BUT, they were doing the "Gangnam Style" and I wanted to join in. I didn't last long. All that galloping wasn't working for me and my bad knees and my one inch stilettos. Later, I decided to try again. The family is from India, so there was a lot of fabric and color and sequins. And the women looked great too! Joking! But seriously, even the little girls were decked out in the prettiest dresses and mini-saris. All that color and motion on the floor caused me to get a little ahead of myself. About 10 (5) minutes into a Bollywood-style medley, I started to sweat profusely. Maybe the long black dress wasn't such a great idea. Maybe the spinning wasn't either. Maybe forgetting to take the Black Cohosh didn't help. Maybe the guy with the camera and the spotlight was out of order, as well, but as the only person of color (well my color anyway) I was a bit of an anomaly and there was no way he wasn't going to get it on tape. My daughter, mortified, looked at me as if to say "please get out of here". I used my hands to push back my hair, thus the sweat, numerous times, but it just kept coming. Who opened the floodgates?! I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore, so I tried to sneak off the dance floor without being noticed. I don't think it worked. I continued to melt all the way back to my seat and I got more than a few stares along the way. I was able to pour my liquid form onto the chair and used the fancy cloth napkins to soak up what I could before my hand melted. I think at some point, they brought over a bucket and mop, and just wiped me up, wrung me out, and waited for me to solidify again. When I came back (to solid form and consciousness) I was alone at the table with everyone's empty water glasses in front of me. Oh Waiter!!
Luckily, dinner was served not long after that and things calmed down. Oh, but don't think I didn't have the nerve to get back out there! Just a minute or two of a group dance and the Cupid Shuffle. Line dancing does look really cool, especially when you don't know the dance. It seems so complicated! This has to be the easiest one out there, but with just a few young people, plus my two kids, we were a pretty exclusive group and I was the only older adult out there. I hammed it up. And I regretted it.
After about three hours, the kids were ready to go, so we said our goodbyes. When we were close to home, I decided to stop at the grocery store. I could barely walk, but I chalked that up to the long ride because anything more than half an hour in the car means I need at least five minutes to "loosen up". When I returned to the car about 15 minutes later, I was still in pain, but it was bedtime so who cares? I just partied Bollywood style and I had a blast! Flash forward to Sunday morning...
My knees, of course, were not happy. My feet weren't either. My hips, my head, my big toes...they were rebelling as well. And at a family birthday party later that day, I received the biggest insult of my life. My sister told me that I used to be cool. Now I'm just as slow and creaky as she is. In fact, she said that my sister-in-law dances better than I do. If you'd ever seen my sister-in-law dance, you'd understand that this knife twist was especially cruel.
I had a little girl in preschool once who called her grandmother's power surges "hot ashes", as in "my Grandma had hot ashes today." I feel ya Granny. Hot ashes, black dresses and dancing just don't mix. I had to learn that one the hard way.
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