It's been about a month now since I've posted anything.  Written anything.  Created anything.  I have to get back into it, but it's been hard.  So much of what I enjoy has been tied into the fact that I shared it with my sister.  She admired my work and has always been my biggest cheerleader.  Single, married, divorced--she has always been totally interested in my success and happiness.  Every time I planted a flower, sewed an apron or tried a new recipe she didn't just feign interest, she LOVED it!  Losing her a little over three weeks ago was a shock and a tragedy.  I know without a doubt that she would be very upset that I'm mourning her so deeply because that means that I'm not focusing on my goals of success and happiness.  I try sometimes.  Other times, I just allow myself to miss her terribly.  

I've had to pack a lot of living into the past three weeks, while dealing with death.  Looking after my 90 year old mom  (she lived with my sister), understanding that her loss is more profound than mine, trying to stay "up" so that my children don't get too far down, planning for what's next (I still don't know) and getting my son off to college at the worst possible time in our lives has made it necessary for me to push through.  With a few moments of collapse mixed in, I've managed to hold it together, make some small decisions and take care of the business that just couldn't wait.  In most cases however, I have a lot of catching up to do.  

I think about my sister constantly, and sleeping has been minimal.  Still, I've had some great moments of living that would only be better if she could enjoy it too.  She deserved to be giddily happy, but found simple joy in taking care of everyone else.  I truly believe that she isn't just at peace, but is finally giddy.  For that, I'm grateful.

My yard is bursting with color.  A few weeks ago it finally took off, and we were sure that August was going to be gorgeous.  We were right!  She would be so proud...of MY yard.  I've never met anyone who could be so unselfishly happy for another's accomplishments.  Looking back, I could see that she was getting tired, but she  never complained.  She wasn't as quick to pull weeds and cut branches, but she was still apt to take a drive past my house just to see how the flowers were coming along:

We took up gardening together, learned what works and what doesn't, and shared more than a flat or two of impatiens.  Over the past 20 years, we got our hands, feet and knees dirty a lot, and when it got really hard for me to kneel, she did it for me.  She didn't do a lot of planting this year (another sign of her failing health that I didn't really pay attention to) but she thoroughly enjoyed what I planted.  I didn't finish until a couple of weeks after she died, just in time for my son's going away party.  I'm still getting used to doing things without her, as my first thought before starting any project is to call my sister and get her advice, tell her what my plans are, or to see if she wants to ride with me to the nursery.  I'm surrounded by people, but I'm still lonely. Who can I call just to say that WalMart has geraniums on sale or that I saw some nice terra cotta pots on the curb a few blocks away?  

I'm slowly trying to reenter my life.  The thrift store trips, the fashion challenges, the decorating, cooking, and reading.  The constant hunt for vintage barware, the singing, the sewing and the estate sales.  So far all I've done however, is get back to gardening.  For my sister, it's the least that I can do. 

My sister, Mardine, with my children.  I could not
have successfully raised them without her!  
Love you Deenie, and thanks for everything!